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By Jenn (KITHKINCAID) It's all about ME! Me, me, me! There I said it. You can call me selfish, but I prefer self-centered. It sounds more grounded. I would have been terrified to say those words a year ago for fear of what other people might think. But part of what I have learned over the past year on Spark is that not only does it not matter what other people think, but ultimately, no one else but me can be held responsible for looking out for number one. As much as we are all in this together for moral support, the personal growth that accompanies a weight loss journey is a pretty solitary endeavour. And so it should be. It's YOUR journey – not your mom's, or your boyfriend's, or your kid's, or your dog's, or even your SparkFriend's – yours. In a recent episode of “Glee,” (*spoiler alert*) Lauren decides that Mercedes needs a manager and convinces her to be a demanding Diva at a benefit event for the Glee Club. She refuses to take the stage unless some pretty ridiculous demands are met, but ultimately, the trouble is not with the lack of “a fresh puppy” but rather with the second to last spot in the show beside the star, Rachel. Rachel finally convinces Mercedes that if she wants the closing slot, she needs to go out there and “take it!” I probably don't need to tell you what happens next – but just in case you can't guess, Mercedes finally takes the stage and knocks it out of the park with a show stopping number. The character of Mercedes is certainly someone I can relate to. It's interesting to me that for all of her many talents, she is one of the now two overweight characters on the show. Her character track usually revolves around not getting the spotlight and losing out to the more “popular” and “prettier” girls in the group. Though she has big dreams and desires for herself, she constantly lets the other members of the club go before her, bottling up her feelings and no doubt drowning them in a plate of tater tots (as was referenced in an earlier episode). But if Mercedes were a real-life person, I guarantee you that after that stellar benefit performance, she probably didn't go home and binge eat. Why? Because her needs were finally met and she did it all for herself. For me, learning to be a little selfish and putting myself first hasn't been an easy road. When people are used to behaving a certain way with you and getting certain things from you, asserting yourself can be a pretty big, game-changing move. Many people don't appreciate it when you all-of-a-sudden change the rules and decide that you're no longer a person that is going to be treated poorly. But it has to be done. For years I was the person seeing to other people's needs before my own, allowing people to hurt me, use me, and walk all over me and then feeding myself to mask the pain of it all. But the truth of the matter is that regardless of how giving or thoughtful or selfless I thought I was being to others over all those years, I actually wasn't doing anyone in my life any favors by being obese – least of all me. I know now that my personal binging was (and sometimes still is) directly related to negating myself as a person by giving in to something someone else wants over what I want, or ignoring my own voice when it has something to say. When I push myself aside for someone or something else, I will always seek recognition somewhere down the road, usually with a pint of ice cream or a box of cookies. Now that's not to say that I always get what I want. A lot of the time, it's quite the opposite. But the difference is that now I can recognize my own voice. I listen to it, I validate it, I exercise the Inner Diva, and most of the time, that in and of itself makes me feel better. I don't ignore other people, I just listen more to me – and in some cases that HAS lead to getting exactly what I want. I have learned to trust myself and my instincts. It takes practice, and I'll be the first to say that being assertive doesn't always work out the way I think it will or the way I want it to. I'm sure there are times when I have come off sounding mean-spirited and abrasive, but in my defense, I'm still perfecting this new model! I'm being self-centered in a positive and healthy way which actually opens me up to being more available to others. When my needs are met first, I am free to pay more attention to other things in life that demand my time and energy. I have it easy. I'm single and I live on my own, miles away from my closest family. I choose when I want to and don't want to interact with others and I take a lot of personal time for myself and my routines – eating, cooking and exercising. I can understand that for people with kids and spouses, the quest for self-centeredness is even more of an uphill battle - but no less important! Start slowly by committing to taking a few hours a week of personal time for yourself to do whatever it is that YOU want to do. When you feel stressed or angry about something, validate that feeling by asking yourself what exactly it is that is making you feel that way and instead of eating to mask the feelings, try talking through the situation, or to the person who is offending you directly. Let them know how you feel! Most people have no idea that they are being hurtful to you unless you stand up and say something. It's all about carving out a place for you, and recognizing that you have as much right to that place as anyone else does. Being attentive and interested and completely in love with yourself and all the amazing things that you do and are is not selfish, it's satiating. Jenn has lost 100 pounds with SparkPeople and is halfway to her goal! *Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program. Do you embrace healthy self-centeredness? |
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